Beyond Parent-Child: Cultivating an Adult-Adult Culture for Thriving Schools

I recently spoke with a school leader about creating thriving schools. He'd worked in many schools, often moving to improve performance as a 'turnaround' leader in the UK system. He summarised, "If you lead in schools long enough, you realise it's all about the culture and the things that enable it."

This same leader once told me, "I tell my teachers they should only speak to pupils the way they'd speak to me." This is a transformative stance, even among otherwise great teachers. Recently, we've been offering coaching to secondary school pupils (14-18-year-olds). It was a mindset shift for me to realise some of these young adults had never been spoken to ‘like adults’. Yet, the degree to which we ask them to be responsible is a huge leap into secondary school. My children were shocked by the sudden transition from one teacher across their entire curriculum to a complicated diary system, substantial homework, and limited time to build relationships with their teachers.

This is why culture is important. In all schools, but especially secondary schools with all the teenage angst, a 'feeling' of both safety and challenge is essential. School systems globally are evolving daily, with hardworking and predominantly passionate teachers often being asked to do more with less. Their time investment is limited, and keeping up with the latest pedagogy is a substantial challenge. In the UK, at least, education is also often a political tool, something politicians use to demonstrate their commitment to a particular value by adjusting the curriculum to suit a specific political narrative.

What, then, might transcend these problems, support resource-stretched schools, and prepare children and young adults for the next stage? 

I'd be tone-deaf to suggest yet another ‘silver bullet’ for education. Teachers I've spoken to recognise that between politics and finance, the best and latest thinking in education struggles to filter down to schools. When it does, it rarely meets the Mike Tyson test: "Everyone has a plan until they get punched in the face."

However, Tuff has worked in several schools, directly addressing culture, and often supporting leaders and teachers in adopting different approaches. This 'difference' involves treating children in a more nuanced manner, while acknowledging their limited knowledge and life experience. It’s about 'being' that young people have abundant potential, want and can take responsibility, have real choices, and genuinely 'for them'. In short, it’s fostering 'adult-adult' (A-A) dynamics, where they will almost always experience people relating to them in a 'parent-child' (P-C) way.

The Inefficiency of the Parent-Child Paradigm

It isn’t that the P-C dynamic is always wrong. Schools must have a place for direct instruction, rules, and safety. Teachers must occasionally choose to give instructions to children and relate to them as needing to follow rules. However, the parental approach is not a universal solution for all circumstances and often leaves students more passive and less prepared to learn. 

One of the reasons teachers feel the need to ‘be a parent’ is that they carry a mindset of “it's all on me!”. On the one hand, this is productive, as it leads to hard work, tenacity, problem-solving, commitment, and accountability in engaging children, as well as innovation in teaching (where permitted). On the other hand, this can lead to students ‘waiting’ to be educated and lead to teacher burnout. TeacherToolkit reports the average overall career span in England is just 13 years, and the University of Bristol reports the average time a teacher spends in one school is 6.7 years. A significant portion of teachers leave within the first few years, with approximately one-third leaving within five years across Europe.

Teachers with a pervasive ‘it's all down to me’ mindset will most likely show up as ‘parental’ in their being. This means they are automatically using either authoritarian or therapeutic approaches. They are probably coming up with new and inventive ways to make children learn. However, if teachers can connect with the idea that children have potential and are responsible for their own learning, they can choose where their responsibility begins and ends. They may still want to discipline a child for bad behaviour or heap praise, but they can also create space for children to self-regulate their emotions, self-assess their progress, solve their own problems, and choose (really choose) to learn and be at school. The P-C dynamic leaves very little space for children to own their learning. A teacher with a mindset of ‘it's all on me’ and a being of ‘I am responsible’ creates a reciprocal effect in the child of ‘I can sit back and be served with learning’. This is a subtle and unconscious process. 

Relating to Students Differently

The primary criticism of the original work was that the effect was overemphasised and temporary. The most substantial impact is limited to ~10% of the school population, although more minor effects did extend to the rest of the class. That smaller group typically includes those who lack self-confidence and pick up on others showing faith in them consistently.  Overall, this impact might seem relatively small. Still, most teachers will welcome anything that can reliably have an effect, even if it's single-digit, especially if it doesn’t require another curriculum rewrite.

We believe the Pygmalion effect primarily highlights the influence that teachers have, especially when the ‘experiment’ is continued and teachers constantly relate to children as capable and responsible - in other words, consistantly Adult-Adult. 

In one of my recent student coaching sessions, I remember a young man feeling particularly lost. "I’m struggling to learn in the way my teachers are telling me to learn." "What do you need?" I asked. "I just want a load of mock papers; I don’t even need my teachers to mark them. I just want to come back and ask about the questions I didn’t understand at all." "What’s stopping you from asking for that?" "Nothing, it's just that they keep telling us to do something else."

I could hear that his teachers, while incredibly well-meaning, were not fully realising the potential of that class. They were suggesting what they thought worked best revision-wise, but with a 'being' of 'don’t ask for anything else'. The possibility of relating to their students as finding their own way probably didn’t occur to them. They probably think that allowing each student to choose their way of learning would multiply the work they need to do as teachers. Their being was ‘this is how to revise’ and most students followed the guidance diligently, with many getting some or a lot of benefit. 

This one student instinctively knew that wouldn’t work for him, and that was a problem. With coaching, the goal is to ‘be’ that the person in front of you can solve their problem; he did just that.  His teachers having very little time was a condition that this student understood, and his solution (just needing help with the question he got stuck on) required very little from his teachers to create a more bespoke plan for him. He entered the room feeling judged because he wasn't achieving his predicted grades. He left with a huge smile on his face and a lot more hope than he came in with.

Often, relating to students primarily as those who need information and instruction makes sense. After all, that is often the stated aim of schools. So this isn't to remove that responsibility but instead to share with the students (and all education staff) the overall goal of growing knowledgeable and capable young adults (no matter the age range we are talking about). New options for ‘doing’ open up when we show up in a way that students are just ‘less knowledgeable adults’. One of our podcasts with Sanjay Fernandes explores the use of Self-Organised Learning Environments in schools in Colombia - a way of posing questions generated by the students and giving them time and resources to solve for themselves. 

The Power of the Adult-Adult Culture

Tuff has been collaborating with schools in Sweden to foster a more mature-oriented culture for several years now.

The A-A paradigm within schools represents a fundamental shift in the underlying culture and interpersonal dynamics, fostering an environment where mutual responsibility, empowerment, and self-direction are central to the learning process. This approach brings significant value by reshaping interactions at all levels – among staff, and crucially, between educators and students. At its core, this paradigm cultivates a more trust-based and collaborative climate among teachers and school management. Instead of hierarchical directives, there's an emphasis on shared purpose and collective problem-solving, acknowledging the professional autonomy and expertise of all educators. This dynamic fosters a more supportive and engaging work environment for school staff, recognising their agency as adult learners and professionals.

The profound value of this approach is particularly evident in the teacher-student dynamic. By equipping teachers with methodologies that encourage dialogue and critical thinking, the paradigm facilitates a move away from a "parent-child relationship" – where the teacher constantly provides solutions – towards one where students are guided to take ownership of their learning. As one teacher succinctly put it, this is "good pedagogy put into practical action," enabling educators to "exercise good leadership in the classroom" not through command, but through facilitation.

This shift has a tangible impact on the well-being and effectiveness of teachers. When educators are empowered to encourage student responsibility, it alleviates the constant pressure to "solve the students' problems for them." This can lead to a significant reduction in stress, with teachers saying  "[I am] calmer, less stressed, have more confidence in the students and their abilities, [where I] put responsibility in the right lap, I am happier, sleep better and can close the door on work when I go home." This highlights the value of a dynamic where responsibility is appropriately distributed, leading to more sustainable and less draining professional practice.

The benefits extend directly to the students, fostering a more independent and engaged learning experience. The inherent challenge, as identified by one teacher, is "to get the students to take personal responsibility for doing what they can in the lessons." The adult-adult paradigm offers a framework for addressing this issue. Instead of a teacher directing a student who missed a particular lesson, the approach shifts to asking, "What are you going to do, what have you been thinking?" This simple yet powerful change "awakens something in them to take personal responsibility."

The observed outcome of this cultural shift is that students begin "starting to think differently, that they don't want answers given, or expect it, from previously expecting me to tell them how to do it." Even in primary school, children develop critical thinking, problem-solving skills, and a genuine sense of agency. When teachers consciously "put the problem with them" (the students), it empowers learners to become active participants in their educational journey, leading to a more dynamic and effective learning environment for everyone involved.

Summary: Shifting to an Adult-Adult Culture for Educational Flourishing

Effective school leadership hinges on fostering a strong culture. Moving beyond a traditional P-C dynamic to an A-A approach empowers both educators and students. This shift emphasises mutual responsibility, shared ownership, and cultivating the full potential within everyone in the school community.

The P-C paradigm, while serving some purposes like ensuring safety and direct instruction, often leads to teacher burnout as educators feel solely responsible for student outcomes. This can limit student initiative and engagement, even when teachers have high expectations, as highlighted by the Pygmalion effect. The challenge lies in distributing responsibility more effectively, moving beyond merely instructing students to actively involving them in their learning journey.

An A-A culture fosters a trust-based, collaborative environment where teachers serve as facilitators rather than constant problem-solvers. This approach, as seen in Swedish schools, not only reduces teacher stress and improves well-being but also significantly boosts student independence. By encouraging critical thinking and allowing students to take ownership, the learning experience is transformed, leading to more dynamic, effective, and sustainable educational environments for all.